This is, of course, a loaded question, because the cornerstone of marriage must be to create something better than the sum of the individual parts. If it doesn't serve that purpose, then there is no reason for a marriage to exist at all. However, developing and maintaining this type of relationship requires a life-long commitment and shouldn't be seen as "easy".
Any lasting relationship will have complexities and challenges; so the key to building an enduring partnership is your own willingness to work at it. Unfortunately, many couples go into a relationship with a misconception about what constitutes a lasting love. Too often the idea that "love will conquer all" is the position of couples considering marriage.
Here are some good reasons why you would wish to marry (or stay married) to someone:
YOU KNOW YOUR "REAL SELF" AND RESPECT YOUR PARTNER'S "REAL SELF".
We all have pseudo-selves that we display for different occasions; when we are at work, when we are in a social setting, when we are "on display", when we are trying to impress and so on. One factor in successful marriages is respecting your partner's "real self". Of course, the sub-note to this is that you must be aware of your real self to be "honest" to your partner. Without knowing your real self, you aren't in a position to give yourself fully to your partner.
YOU SHARE COMMON INTERESTS.
If married couples share common interests, it engenders closeness and mutual experiences. Most experts agree that couples don't have to share all their interests, but having enough of them encourages spending time together, which is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. Shared interests can be anything from spending time with children, travelling, sports, arts, theatre, reading and/or food; as long as they both appreciate something together, there is a good foundation for a lasting relationship.
YOU ARE GOOD AT WORKING OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES.
Research indicates that one common theme among long-lasting marriages involves an ability to work out conflict. It is inevitable that over a period of time, all relationships will witness conflicts. The couples that can talk out their differences, surmount the conflict, and agree on a compromise are the couples that will endure. On the other hand, the partners that trigger anger and resentment in one another or are unable to talk about their differences often can't sustain a marriage.
YOUR "VALUES" ARE ALIGNED.
A common mistake is to marry for what you want instead of what you need. For example, you may want a Brad Pitt or Anne Hathaway lookalike or someone who shares your love of Classical Music, but a solid marriage needs someone who is reliable, trustworthy, works hard, and meets your needs for a marriage to last. Somewhat paradoxically, many couples don't discuss their view of children and parenting before they marry, which is an area where "values" must be aligned if the relationship is going to endure.
YOUR "FUTURES" ARE COMPATIBLE.
Talking about your expectations of the future is one of the surest ways of making sure you're both on the same page and share common values that can sustain a marriage. Many couples don't talk about what they want from the future; such as whether they want to have kids, where they're going to live, what careers they want, whether they'll be a one or two career household. Some people have a romantic ideal of love and that things will work themselves out as long as they love each other enough, but this simply isn't the case. Therefore, the more you discuss your common visions for the future, the greater the chances the marriage will last.
So now that you have gone into a relationship with your eyes wide open and for the right reasons, the best time to learn relationship skills is at the beginning; committing to a process of growing together and accepting that a lasting marriage is a process that requires ongoing attention. That way you can spend the rest of your lives together putting into practice what you've learnt.
The benefits of investing in a relationship like this have been researched as far back as the 1980s, when studies showed that marriage is strongly associated with people living healthier lifestyles, living longer, acquiring greater financial earning capacity and enjoying improved mental health. It's as simple as this: good relationships are good for you. People in supportive, loving relationships are more likely to feel healthier, happier and satisfied with their lives and less likely to have mental or physical health problems or to do things that are bad for their health. If you are interested in taking a closer look at the research, Linda Waite in "A Case for Marriage, 2000" has presented a good overview of the BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE AND MARRIAGE COUNSELLING.
With these benefits in mind, it's therefore unfortunate that many couples are reluctant to seek counselling or don't consider using a relationship therapist early on. It would appear that many couples have false assumptions or misconceptions (even suspicions) about marriage counselling and what it entails.
John Gottman, a leading marriage counselor has spent decades researching happy couples for the underlying "fundamentals" of a successful marriage. He has discovered that even though all couples experience conflict in their marriages, happy couples apparently know how to handle their disagreements because of a foundation of affection and friendship. He therefore suggests that relationship counselling should teach communication skills to couples.
His work has also shown that, when both partners apply themselves to the process of marriage counselling the couple can be optimistic of the outcome (with over 80% of the couples he saw "saving" their marriage). Even severely unhappy marriages can turn around, and both partners can feel they are living a good, fulfilling and happy life together.
The reason for the success of marriage counselling is two-fold. Like any GOOD THERAPY, first it provides a level playing field and a neutral environment where both partners can express their thoughts and emotions in a safe and managed way; such that it becomes a time and place devoted to the relationship where the difficult subjects are discussed, worked through and resolved (without threat that the discussion will lead to the marriage falling apart).
The second reason for the success of marriage counselling is that the participants can see how bad patterns have been influencing many aspects of their life and are taught remedial techniques. Subsequently couples learn key skills and techniques that work specifically to their relationship. Those acquired knowledge and skills may include:
* PERSONAL GROWTH (AND THE MECHANISMS TO DEAL WITH PREVIOUS NEGATIVE BEHAVIOURS)
* INSIGHTFULNESS INTO THE RELATIONSHIP
* THE ABILITY TO ADDRESS SPECIFIC RELATIONSHIP ISSUES IN A HEALTHY WAY
* GAINING EXTRA TOOLS TO IMPLEMENT IN THE MARRIAGE ENVIRONMENT
* MINDFULNESS ABOUT YOUR PARTNER
The science of marriage counselling has been studied in great detail and relationship experts are being used more widely. Receiving professional help before problems reach critical stage is beneficial, but getting advice on relationship skills as early as possible is advisable. A well-designed marital therapy helps those who are committed to the journey of marriage with all of its ups and downs and twists and turns.
Although seeking the advice or counsel of a professional can be extremely valuable, therapists and counselors - like any other professional - can make errors in judgment and execution. In the vast majority of cases, marital therapy or counselling helps marriages survive and thrive, but make sure you do your homework on the type of MARRIAGE COUNSELLING provided by a therapist before committing to sessions. Your choice of professional can make all the difference.
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