SHOW OPEN
OPENING CREDITS OVER:Int. Jay's Living room-Morning
"Gina enters Jay's house carrying a small cooler as Jay is hanging up the phone."
GinaWho was that?
JayThat was the most attractive friend I've ever had.
GinaWhat am I, wood?JayYou're getting off the point. I thought she wanted to date me and then she gives me this line about how all of her guy friends try to make it more than friends. She was probably sending me a message.
GinaMaybe she just needed someone to talk to. My new guy made his intentions clear, perhaps too clear. He wouldn't let me pay on the first date and that implies sex.
JayHow does that imply sex?
GinaReciprocation. He must have spent a lot of time in the airport studying Hari-Krishnas. That's why they give you the flower. JayLast night I brought flowers and paid for dinner. Then she sprung the "friends" thing on me.
"Kessler enters holding a small cooler and puts it down next to Gina's cooler. "
KesslerAnyone want to deliver an organ with me?
JayA musical instrument or a body part?
KesslerI think it's a kidney.
GinaWhere did you get a kidney?
KesslerI was at WalMart doing some shopping. You know, paper towels, fruit punch, a super soaker. As I was leaving I was drinking one of the fruit punches, you know, really chugging it down. And I saw my friend Bob Saccamano. It's his first week as an organ transport guy and he thought the fruit punch was blood. He started puking and had to go home. Since I made him sick, I have to do the responsible thing. I'm the transport guy.
"Greg enters wearing a shirt and tie with his suit jacket draped over his arm."
GregI got a second interview.
GinaAnd you're wearing a see through shirt? Shouldn't you be wearing a white t-shirt under that?
GregI'll have on a suit jacket. And I hate the two shirt tuck after the bathroom. (MIMING THE TUCKING OF HIS SHIRT) It takes five minutes. This shirt is translucent. I'm fine as it doesn't rain on me.
"Gina gives him a strange look and turns back to Jay."
GinaHe's a prince. I'm actually dating a prince. Granted it is a small country.
"Greg is in the background looking at his shirt in the mirror which hangs on the back wall. He turns and grabs the dust buster and begins vacuuming the lint out of his pocket. Jay, Gina and Kessler turn and see the back of Greg's shirt which is wrinkled. They all turn back, synchronized. "
JayI wonder what it would be like to be a prince?
GregServants, that would be the best part. I'd never have to iron a shirt again.
JayAt least not the front
KesslerI would have used it in school, to change my grades.
GinaHow so?
KesslerI'd have a talk with my teachers. (HE TALKS WITH AN IMAGINARY PERSON) Well, I didn't do well on the test and my father is king. He can't live forever and I am the first born.
JayWhy would anyone come here if they were prince of a country?
KesslerThe castles are made of stone. I'd be cold all the time.
GinaI'll have to ask him.
Kessler(TO GREG) Do you want to drop an organ off with me?
GregWell I can't lift anything heavy. (beat) Can you drop me off at my job interview at 12:45ish? It's on Crompond Road.
KesslerThat's where I have to go too.
JayWhat's the window on 'ish'? Fifteen minutes? Twenty?
Greg'Ish' has a window?
GinaThirty minutes.
GregI'm close to getting a job and this 'ish' thing is going to bring me down.
KesslerI give em a week.
"SFX: a cell phone"
"Gina pulls a phone out of her pursue. "
Gina(INTO PHONE) Hello? Hey you...Yep, we're having lunch. I have a picnic planned... No, I'll pick you up. The basket is already packed. Lot's of assorted meats...There's a park in the center of town. (LOOKING AT GREG) 1:00ish.
Greg(to Kramer) Let's get going. Do you have a white t-shirt? "Kessler grab the cooler and they exit."
JayI don't even know if I'd date her. She's a clean-o-phobe, recovering of course. She has to stay away from anything dirty.
GinaA clean-o-phobe? Wouldn't she be afraid of clean things then?
JayWell dirt-o-phobe just doesn't flow.
"Gina grabs her coat and heads for the door. "
GinaGood luck with Mrs. Clean.
JayTell princie I said "hi".
Int. Kessler's car
"Kessler hands Greg the cooler. "
GregWhat is this, your lunch?
KesslerThat's the organ.
"Greg puts it on the floor and lifts his feet. "
GregYou had me holding a body part. I thought you meant like a piano.
KesslerNo, it's a kidney. Or maybe a lung.
GregYou're responsible for delivering a lung?
KesslerI'm responsible for being responsible.
GregI'm always too responsible, and conservative. This interview is for an accounting job. I'm a scorekeeper. Everybody else plays the game and makes things happen. I sit on the sidelines with a broken pencil. I would like to live a little.
KesslerWhat would you do?
GregMaybe a construction worker. I can swing one hell of a hammer. (HE MAKES A HAMMERING MOTION) Or I could be one of those ultimate fighters. (HE THROWS A FEW KARATE CHOPS) You think I'd make a good hit man? (HE FIRES AN IMAGINARY GUN)
KesslerThey have to be really responsible. Imagine a hit man whacking the wrong guy. What kind of world would this be then?
Int. Kelly's Living Room-Day"
"Jay is on Kelly's couch. She is standing behind him rubbing his shoulders and kissing his neck. "He is naive to her advances and makes idle conversation. "
JayI've never had an attractive friend before. It takes the pressure off.
"Kelly continues to kiss his neck. Her hands slide forward and rub his chest."
JayIf we weren't just friends, I might think you were coming on to me.
Ext. Front door of a house-Day"
"Gina knocks and the prince answers the door. "
GinaWhat, no bodyguards? You answer your own door?
PrinceI have no need for a bodyguard. The people in this country are very gentle.
Ext. Kessler's car- Day"
KesslerLook at those windows. No streaks or smudges. I've all but eliminated the dust. The key is to use newspaper. I use the sports section. There's a whole art to it. Look at that. Even the dirt on the sharp angle of that back window can't hide.
GregWindow cleaning. I could never do that. I'd go crazy.
KesslerIt takes a special touch.
GregYou have streaks and smudges and dust. And don't forget the fingerprints. I bet most serial killers were window cleaners.
"Kessler pulls up to a stop sign to make a left and the traffic is heavy. A gap opens up between cars but Kessler has to pull up into the crosswalk and block a pedestrian to make it. Kessler pulls out into traffic, screeching the tires.. "
KesslerThat has to be the best window cleaning job ever.
"Kessler looks in the rear view mirror then turns around in his seat in disbelief. "
KesslerWhat is that?
GregWhat is what?
"Greg turns around. "
GregIt looks like spit.
KesslerI think that guy at the crosswalk spit on the window. He's not getting away with this. Grab the wheel.
"Kessler turns around completely and reaches for something in the back seat as Greg takes the wheel. Kessler turns back and has a super soaker water cannon and a large bottle of fruit punch. "He pours fruit punch into the super soaker while driving. "
GregWhat are you doing with that?
KesslerNot me, you. You're a hit man. Say goodbye to the old Greg and hello to the new Greg.
GregI can't do this.
KesslerYou said you wanted to be a hit man.
"Kessler pushes the super soaker towards Greg. He nervously takes it and shifts in his seat. "
Int. Kelly's living room
"Jay is on the couch and Kelly is next to him nuzzling his neck. "
Jay (vo)It's too bad she just wants to be friends because I am loving this.
JayThat American Idol is really something.
Ext./Int. Gina's car
"Gina drives with the prince in the passenger seat so she will owe him nothing. "
GinaYou took me out last time. So this time, I'm taking you out. Now we're even.
Ext./Int. Kessler's car
"Greg holds the super soaker and Kessler is making him point it out the window. "
GregDo we really have to do this?
KesslerRight now, you're not the accountant. You're a hit man. The fruit soaker.
GregIt sounds more like a serial killer.
"They pull up alongside the spitter."
KesslerThat's him. He not only spit on our car, he spit in the face of America.
"Greg is shaking as he aims the super soaker. He closes his eyes and shoots. He gets the spitter with a direct hit to the chest. Greg opens his eyes and smiles as Kessler takes off."
KesslerYou got em Greggie boy.
GregThat was very freeing.
KesslerOkay, let's get this organ delivered.
GregLet's do another pass.
KesslerYou wanna go back and finish him off?
"They make a few more passes. Greg rolls up his sleeves and takes off his tie. The spitter can't hide from them and his shirt gets redder with each pass. "
Int. Kelly's Living room
"Jay looks around and doesn't see Kelly next to him anymore. "
Kelly (o.c)Jay"
"Jay follows the sound of her voice and the kitchen and the bedroom. He walks by the bathroom and hears water running. The door is slightly open. "
JayKelly?
Kelly (o.c.)Yes Jay. Come in.
"Jay opens the door and Kelly is in the bathtub taking a bubble bath. The bubbles leave nothing to the imagination. He assumes she is bathing due to her clean-o-phobia. Kelly is trying to seduce him but he is not picking up on it. She is embarrassed and tries to cover it up."
KellyUm, I need a pen
JayYou need a pen? A pen in the bathtub? Okay, ballpoint or roller ball?
Kelly(ANNOYED) Just a pen.
"Jay leaves and comes back with a pen. "
JayI could only find a felt tip, but it writes.
"She snatches the pen and he returns to the television. Jay picks up his cell phone and calls Greg."
Jay(INTO PHONE) Greggie boy, what's shakin?
Greg(OVER THE PHONE)I've never felt so alive. Me, Kessler... the spitter... the super soaker.... it's incredible. I'll explain later. What's up with you?
JaySuper soaker? I'm at Kelly's.
GregOh, the hot friend. What are you guys doing?
JayShe's in the bathtub. I just brought her a pen.
GregShe's in the bathtub and you're talking to me? Get in there.
JayYou think she was coming on to me?
GregWhat are you crazy? Get in there."Jay hangs up and runs to the bathroom. The door swings open and Kelly comes out in a bathrobe. She has soured and the moment has passed. "
JayI didn't know. I'm not good with these things. When I was a kid, I wasn't allowed to watch television after 8pm. How was I supposed to learn these things?
"Kelly stifles a groan. "
JayI was the only kid on my block that couldn't solve Rubik's Cube
KellyI'm getting dressed.
JayGet dressed and we'll go for a walk. It's a nice day and Gina is in the park with her new boyfriend. We can meet an actual prince.
KellyI don't know.
JayWear that new white shirt.
KellyBut I don't want to get it dirty.
JayDirty? We're taking a walk. What's going to happen?
"She walks into the bedroom and slams the door. "
"The spitter sneaks around the corner trying to avoid Kessler and Greg. He walks by their parked car unknowing. Greg has his tie around his head as a bandana. "
Greg(to Kessler) Target is in sight. Open the bomb hatch.
"The window lowers and Greg douses the pedestrian. Greg looks back at Kessler, the super soaker shifts left and a passerby gets hit with a stray shot. Kessler hits the gas and the tires screech as they pull away. "
GregWe got him but there's collateral damage. (looking at his watch) Oh crap, it's 12:40. We gotta get to the interview. "
"Greg takes his tie off his head and rolls down his shirt sleeves. "
"Jay and Kelly walk down the street. "
JayI really thought it was the clean-o-phobia.
KellyThe what?
JayNevermind. It's a nice day. The birds are chirping, the streets are clean and there's no mud in sight.
"Gina and the prince arrive in the park. They choose a nice spot to lay the blanket down. "
GinaWhat a day. "
"Kessler comes to a screeching halt in front of an office building and Jay jumps out. He runs for the door and drags his jacket and tie behind him". "(Cut to)"In the elevator, Greg rolls down his sleeves, puts on his tie and his jacket. "
Greg(TO HIMSELF) I am an accountant. I am an accountant.
"The elevators doors open and George rushes through the office door as the clock in the office clicks to 12:45. "
AssistantMr. Johnson is ready for you.
"Kessler finds an empty parking space along the front of the office building. He pulls halfway into the space and a man is standing in it with his back to Kessler. Kessler lowers the window. "
KesslerHey buddy, move it.
"The man turns around and makes eyes contact with Kessler. The man recognizes the car as he was its last victim. He moves and Kessler pulls into the spot not knowing who the man is. The man walks around to the driver's side of Kessler's car. He reaches through the window and starts to chokes Kessler. "
ManSpray me with fruit juice, will you. "
"Kessler struggles to get away as his fingers brush over the window switch. His feet kick at the floor and curl up the floor mat. His finger locks on the button and the window goes up trapping the man's arms, at the elbow, in the driver's window. Kessler grabs the cooler and opens the door with the man attached to it. "
KesslerWatch my car. (beat) Like you have a choice.
"Kessler begins walking and stops in his tracks. "
Kessler(TO Himself) Oh crap, I got the wrong cooler.
"Kessler takes off running. "The prince opens the cooler and the prince pulls out a piece of tupperware. "
PrinceWhat is this?
"Greg walk into the office and a man is sitting in a chair which is turned away. Greg sits down as the chair spins around. Greg sees the fruit punch stained shirt and the man recognizes Greg."
GregYou don't understand. You don't understand. It was an initiation. I was peer pressured. It was my parents. I wasn't allowed to have cap guns as a child.
"Jay and Kelly walk by Gina and the prince and wave. Kessler runs past Jay and Kelly and eyes Gina and the prince. The prince opens the tupperware with a large piece of meat in it. "
KesslerNOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Kessler dives, tackling the prince. The tupperware drops back into the cooler and the cooler top swings closed. Kessler's cooler flies open and a kidney pops out and lands in the dirt. The prince screams and takes off running. "
"(Cut to)"Gina and Kessler walk to Kessler's car, both carrying coolers."
GinaYou idiot. (SHE SLAPS KESSLER IN THE ARM) Now he thinks he needs bodyguards.
KesslerI thought you had the kidney.
"They arrive at the car and it is doused with fruit punch and the pedestrian is gone. "
"(Cut to)"Greg comes out of the office building with coffee on his shirt and his chest hair showing through. He spots Jay and Kelly walking towards him and sees Kessler's soiled car. The passengers door swings open as the pedestrian pops out of the back seat with the super soaker aimed at Greg. He shoots as Kessler tackles Greg and the fruit punch stream heads towards Kelly as she screams. "
"(Cut to) Jay, Gina and Greg in Jay's house. "
Jay(to Greg) So you didn't get the job?
"Greg glares at him."
JayShe couldn't get the stain out and had to be committed. She'll be out in six months. (TO GINA) How about princie?
GinaBack at the castle, bodyguards and all.
"Kessler enters with a large container."
