"From the age of twelve, I was told by guys that I was unattractive. As I grew up, this was confirmed as when I went out with friends they would always be approached by guys and I would never get a second look. When I was younger and my friends began to date, I didn't get any dates so I was left unable to participate in conversations about love and sex."
"When I was 16, I met a guy of 20 who told me he was interested in me, but my age was a big issue for him. He made me feel attractive. I saw him on and off until I was 18. The problem was, he didn't call me or text me between us seeing each other. He never made any effort. His friend, who was friends with my sister, made a comment about how my interest wasn't looking for anything serious and my sister told me gently. I still didn't listen and continued with this one sided attraction (I know, my fault); this guy really made me melt. "
"When I was 17, I came to my senses and stopped speaking to him for a few months. When we began speaking again, he kept referring to his ex. I asked who he meant and he said he had had a girlfriend. It was obvious he really loved her because he didn't stop speaking about her. I was crushed. He spoke about the future a lot with me and I was convinced I would be his girlfriend when he was ready. "
"I cried for days because I gave my virginity to him. We had many arguments over this, and he said at the time we were speaking I was young and I didn't have a clue so why would he be serious with me? Also, when I mentioned getting serious he used to splutter and be like 'you wanna be my girlfriend?' and snort. Or say 'if I wanted that it would have happened ages ago.' I now know these are major red flags. This was over a year ago when he told me he had had a girlfriend and I still can't get over it. I feel so unattractive."
"I met a guy when I was nineteen who told me he was happy to see where it goes. I stayed over with him weekly, a stark contrast to the past guy who I only saw a handful of times a year. He was quite sick during the early times of seeing him so I spent a lot of time (almost every day) visiting him at the hospital. I met his friends on more than one occasion. I even met his family, as a friend though. For his birthday I bought him a gift. As 6 months approached, I asked why we had not progressed. He then told me he was it looking for a relationship and he was just "trying to focus on him at the moment." Again, I came down with a bang."
"I am 20, and I have never had a boyfriend, or dated successfully. I an sick and tired of hearing this "I don't want a relationship" line. I know that I am still young but I do feel left out. Why do guys keep telling me this?"
"Thank you."
"-Confused"
Dear Confused:
Oh, why must you get me started? And where do I start? For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to break my response up into several categories, starting with:
BEAUTY
From age 12 boys have told you you're unattractive. Know this: Most boys at age 12 have undeveloped taste. Most girls at 12 have undeveloped taste. Most children at age 12 are not overly attractive; they haven't quite grown into their limbs, they wear braces, their skin is spotty, and too many of them haven't discovered the benefits of underarm deodorant.
That said, there are usually one or two girls (and boys) in each class who defy this awkward stage. The other children in the class envy, admire, and adore them. Such specimens tend to remain school royalty until they graduate from college, at which point they promptly marry, spend too much time in tanning salons, and discover the convenience of the fast-food drive-thru.
When you're 35, get back to me and tell me how hot they look.
Know that the very idea of beauty is subjective. I am one of three sisters, and let me tell you, my life has been one big beauty contest (my parents valued education and did "not" encourage this. Repeat: My parents did "not" encourage this). One week my younger sister was the pretty one, and my youngest sister was the fat one. Another week my younger sister inexplicably lost her looks, and the youngest sister's weight loss temporarily earned her the Miss 172nd Street crown.
Most weeks I was the "ugly" one (yeah, people used the word), until certain observers deemed me to have blossomed at an advanced age (well into my 20s), and told me, "You're the prettiest one of the sisters." But, even then, other people would tell me, "You're okay, but your sister, "is the prettiest."
I came to realize three things: 1) Such unnecessary comments have more to do with the speaker than with me or my sisters. 2) Telling someone she is pretty (or not) may be an attempt to control them. 3) People who try to pit me against my siblings are not to be liked or trusted.
Also, who and what society considers beautiful is not consistent. Angelina Jolie probably wouldn't have been hot during the 60s when Twiggy appeared in every magazine. Just as you can look back at fashions of the 70s and 80s and say, "What were they thinking?" the same often goes for standards of attractiveness. You won't find the Mona Lisa on a "Seventeen" or "Glamour "cover in 2012..
If a guy tells you you're not attractive (I will never forget the guy who told me I wasn't "pretty enough to be a flight attendant"), don't go home and cry about it. The dude has revealed himself to be a serious jackass. Be glad he clued you in before you wasted time on him. (If you run into this clown ten or 15 years from now, I guarantee his stomach will be bursting over his waistband.)
What you need more than outward beauty or some guy to tell you you're attractive is the rock-solid knowledge that you are a beautiful creature, that you are on this planet for a reason, and that you have much to offer the lucky man who crosses your path. Which brings us to:
SELF LOVE
Self-love has gotten a bad rap, but if you read the New Testament, Jesus told his followers to love their neighbors "as themselves". This doesn't mean you should love your neighbor but not yourself, or love yourself but not your neighbor. The key here is to actually love yourself.
If you have trouble with this (and too many of us do), bring to mind all the positive qualities that make you special. Write them down. Bring to mind every compliment you've ever gotten. Write them down.
If you've been devoting much of your life to pursuing some relationship (this is unattractive!), further develop love for yourself by "being" love to other people (the key here is "people", not just men). Extend yourself to people who can't do anything for you. This will build your sense of self-worth because you will know that you truly have worth: The earth is a better place because you exist.
Also, set goals. What do you want to achieve in life (besides a relationship)? Break your goals into little steps and take one every single day, no matter how small. Achieving goals boosts self-confidence.
SELF-CONFIDENCE BLOWS BEAUTY AWAY WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING A GOOD BOYFRIEND
When you feel good about yourself, people pick up on it, and they feel good about you, too.
Yes.
Self-confidence is a magnet for better friends, better treatment, better men, better bosses, and better circumstances of all kinds. When you're self-confident and "you love yourself", you are less likely to accept crap treatment from other people. You are so secure in your own value that you'll allow yourself to enjoy time by yourself than waste it with some wishy-washy schmuck.
Again, people (men!) pick up on self-confidence, so they're less likely to be wishy-washy about you in the first place.
YOU AND YOUR VIRGINITY
Okay, you say you "gave" your virginity to some creep who later scoffed at you (he sounds like a real winner). You made a mistake, but people make mistakes, so let it go and move on. (It doesn't serve the future to wallow in the past.)
Understand that the world is full of different men. Some of them are substandard. An example of a substandard man is the guy who always find an excuse to tip a waiter less than 15%. Another example is the guy who'll sleep with any woman who shows up on his radar. Pretty sad.
You want to quickly identify substandard men and eliminate them. They make terrible boyfriend material.
You do this -- again -- by liking yourself enough to know that you can do better. Once you make the decision (it's a decision!) that you can do better, you will do better. It might not happen overnight, but if you set high standards, stop living in the past, and start talking to yourself as you would a beloved child, you will attract good men who treat you well.
Repeat: Stop berating yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a beloved child.
In the meantime, stop looking for affirmation from men who don't even know their own minds. Fill your life with sights, sounds, smells, foods, and activities that give "you" joy.
Cease wandering the planet as a half-person in desperate search of a match. Devote your time to becoming the wonderful, whole human being you are meant to be.
And then when a man comes along, let him catch up with you. The right man will. No convincing or arm-twisting for a relationship on your part required.
P.S.
About your stint as Florence Nightingale: When a guy is sick, you can visit him in the hospital once, but keep it short. Resist the impulse to show up with balloons, a teddy bear, and a card. (And if you sent a card, don't visit unless he "very sincerely" asks you to visit.
The key is to show you're concerned about the guy, but not to crowd him. "You are not a fan. "You are a person who took time out of her day to wish him well.
Do not ever try to make yourself indispensable to a man. It's the surest way to be taken for granted. Remember: People value what they have to work for. And, even if a guy's flat on his back on a hospital bed, he needs time to "wonder" about you, to let your connection marinate in his mind. Give him that time.
Origin: aisha-vip.blogspot.com
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